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Which Cher Are You? – Cher Music Video Quiz
This afternoon, after the news broke that Maroon 5 will be performing at next year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show, the Esquire.com office (which is what I call our Slack room) erupted into conversation that was only tangentially related to the Adam Levine-fronted band. Most of us (particularly my colleague Matt Miller), are adamantly not Maroon 5 fans, and expressed our disdain that the band had gotten the gig. And then an alternative was immediately suggested: What if Cher performed instead?
Everyone on our team could agree on one thing: Cher is objectively good. But we soon found ourselves in a deep discussion (at which point Slack informed us that “several people were typing”) about the actor-musician-activist-genius-Autotune-enthusiast (name a longer multi-hyphenate; I’ll wait): What is the best Cher? There are so many to choose from.
But that’s the thing: Humans contain multitudes, and just as Cher (arguably humanity’s most heightened form) cannot be put into a single box, neither can the rest of us. Here, a sampling of the various Chers one can be might help you, the Cher appreciator, decide for yourself the Cher you wish to be.
“If I Could Turn Back Time” Cher
You’re usually surrounded by a lot of horny sailors, and you’re not afraid of bikini waxing.
You didn’t think you could beat Meryl Streep? Snap out of it!
Rocky Dennis’s Mom Cher
You’re a mom, and you’re mad.
Hot Dance Routine Cher
You go to the gym and suddenly you turn into a 38 minutes of fat-burning fun.
Tough (Tough!) Cher
When the going gets tough, you put a lot of mousse in your hair before you get on the treadmill.
Maybe you can’t hit the note, and so you let the computer do it for you.
You put on a floppy hat to preach the gospel of Bob Marley (and it’s just a little problematic).
Will Turn a Giant Shoe Into a Playground Slide Cher
You can have an ingenious sense of theatricality and understand how to use the set.
Hey, everybody gets tender every now and then.
I’M CHER! Cher
When you’re a mononymous public figure who is not Madonna, Sting, or Bono. You’re not mad, you’re just letting everybody know.
Will Play Every Character in West Side Story Cher
You’re type A, and thus turn every group project into a one-woman show.
Inexplicably Attracted to Meat Loaf Cher
No one can resist that velvety voice.
Can Confidently Play Meryl Streep’s Mother Cher
It doesn’t matter that you’re practically the same age! You’re really just there to serenade Andy Garcia.
ABBA Superfan Cher
Stars in Mamma Mia! once, suddenly records an album of ABBA covers.
Cher: The RUsical Cher
It takes no fewer than seven drag queens to capture your essence in full.
Getty ImagesEthan Miller
LOL, JK! This one doesn’t actually exist.