Wanna Feel Old? Asahd Khaled Is Two

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Wanna Feel Old? Asahd Khaled Is Two

It has been exactly two years since the Earth started revolving around the Son.

Asahd Khaled, whose first baby cry was captured and live-streamed via Snapchat, has been alive for 730 days. In that time, he’s gained 2 million followers on Instagram, 48,400 followers on Twitter, executive produced an album, graced the pages of Esquire, and sat on Nicki Minaj’s lap.

To celebrate, his proud parents DJ Khaled and Nicole Tuck threw him a carnival inside Marlins Park in Miami, during which he was allowed to drive a (small) Ferrari. Khaled also used the opportunity to announce Asahd’s Initiative, a charity which will, according to People, “focus on enriching the lives of children by financially supporting programs focused on community needs, family values and youth entrepreneurship. While the initiative will give donations to charities and individuals around the country, its focus will be on Miami, where the famous family lives.”

“My son is the greatest gift of life, our children are the world’s biggest blessing, so I am so grateful to be able to celebrate his life with a carnival and to be hosting many inner-city kids and their families so everyone in our community can experience joy today at the iconic Marlins Stadium together in our hometown of Miami,” Khaled told People.

I am older than two—significantly—and I have never had any of these things. My Twitter following is relatively dinky, and my Instagram is a mess. I don’t know how to play the piano, let alone produce an album. I am too uncomfortable with my physical bulk to sit in any celebrity or non-celebrity’s lap. I’ve been to limited carnivals and not one of them has appeared interested in my attendance. I don’t know what the Marlins are.

And can you even remember what a pre-Asahd world was like? Close your eyes. Shoot yourself back to pre-fall 2016. Our time on Earth seemed lightly, but cheerfully threatened. You could choose to be vegan, or not. I worked out to look tight, not to be prepared to escape an aerial bombing. We had a president that I wanted to open-mouth kiss.

But that feels as long ago as a dream. In fact, today, I can’t be sure that there was a time like that. Has Asahd ever not existed? Have I?

Happy birthday to the world’s most grounded baby. I cannot imagine a world without you.

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