What is happening in our world? Who is doing what? what is going on now? These are questions that will be answered. Enjoy.
The Bachelor Guide to Colton Underwood’s Season, Contestants and Rules
Like that monster from Bird Box or the surprise muffin top that’s developed since you had all that pie at Christmas, The Bachelor is an inescapable constant in American television. You might have stumbled here under genuine curiosity after somehow missing the first 22 seasons. Perhaps you are of the brave: a Bachelor fan who just likes to invest in the façade of real love. Or maybe you’re here to say to yourself or anyone who will listen on the internet: “The Bachelor isn’t real. Who watches this?”
For most, The Bachelor is what happens on television before Game of Thrones comes back. Could you read a book for three hours on a Monday night instead? Sure. But is that book going to promise to be the most dramatic book you’ve read in the history of books? I think not. In short, I’m here to say that you have no one to explain yourself to if you want to indulge in some batshit reality television. After every season, I say I’m done, and yet, you and I are here in a one-sided conversation.
So let me answer your questions: What is this franchise? Does anyone fall in love? What does it mean to have “sloth” as your occupation? There are only so many questions we can answer, but in case you’re curious, here’s what you should know leading up to the premiere of Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor.
I’ve Never Watched The Bachelor. Tell Me More.
Listen, friend. It’s not high art. Approximately 30 women gather to date one man. The premiere is always the spiciest night because people immediately start arguing. Then throughout the season, he eliminates them until he gets down to one. Along the way, there are different types of dates with varying amounts of people. Oftentimes, they do things that feel particularly patriotic like female football games, or mud wrestling, or going to a low-budget country music concert. No one is ever gay. People are rarely from diverse backgrounds. Someone almost always has a child or a dead parent story. If we get both, you have to drink.
The success rate is marginal, but then again, so is the success rate of marriage in America. Eight of 36 couples are still together.
So, Who Is The Titular Bachelor?
This season, his name is Colton Underwood, and he was on a previous season of The Bachelorette. That’s how these things work. As Jesus says in the book of Matthew, “You have to lose love to find love on national television.” He is 26-years-old and has been signed to several NFL practice teams. He has also been waived from those practice teams. He has since retired. Granted, that’s a loose definition of retire. Once I auditioned for American Idol, got two rounds in, was cut, and never auditioned again. That doesn’t make me a retired pop star.
In the past, he has dated Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman, Tia Booth from a previous season of The Bachelor, and some people on that summer version called Bachelor in Paradise. He’s known for being a virgin, which is hilarious because for most of college, so was I. Turns out, being a virgin works out better for you when you’re hot and famous-adjacent.
And the Women On The Show?
We don’t know a ton about them yet: only the information that has been supplied by ABC. There are two Alexs, two Hannahs, two reigning Miss (Insert State Here), one woman whose profession is “sloth,” and eleven women with the perfect honey blonde loose curl. There’s also a woman who decided to fake an Australian accent to stand out. And people say Millennials have no work ethic.
How Do You Predict a Winner?
Picking a winner is easier than you’d think. Imagine all of the women’s images are set up like the board game Guess Who? Flip over every person of color except the one who seems closest to you in age. It doesn’t matter who you’re left with: she won’t win. I don’t make the rules. But for now, leave her image up. This will help.
From there, you’ll find matching names and eliminate the ones who, at first glance, seem most interested in having a career. That means one Alex and one Hannah must go at this stage. Do keep note though because women with Common White Girl Names (CWGN) tend to thrive in The Bachelor.
At this point, you should be left with between 15 and 20 women. This is when research starts. For instance, Jane is a 26-year-old social worker whose grandmother taught her Russian as a child. This is an automatic red flag. While you’d think the Russian would be the troubling part, it’s actually the fact that she’s a social worker. Noble careers will ultimately keep women like Jane away from the home for too long. She’s eliminated.
Do this until you are left with three white women and a person of color. At this point, thank her for her time, apologize for the latent racism of American entertainment, and flip her picture over. That seems harsh, but throughout The Bachelor’s run (not taking The Bachelorette into consideration) only five women of color (Rachel Lindsay, Catherine Giudici, Caila Quinn, JoJo Hodges, and Mary Delgado) have made the final three. And most of those women have come after the class action suit was filed against The Bachelor franchise for racial discrimination, but that’s been discussed plenty of times before. Either way, facts are facts—now you have a final three. Do note: One of these women should have a CWGN. Again, I don’t make the rules.
At this point, you have to make the decision on your own. The winner should not be too likable because that is likely who production has chosen for the next Bachelorette. Your winner should be the person who you feel would be fun to talk to at a cocktail party for five minutes before you “need to check on your friend.” This is who Colton will get engaged to.
And that’s that! You have adequately prepared yourself for The Bachelor. And you can rest assured that while you tell your friends that you’re beyond the triviality that comes with a show like The Bachelor, you have also secretly prepared yourself with all the information you need for the upcoming season: Everyone from the fake-Australian accent girl to the football player is accounted for. You are as ready for love as any of these contestants could be.