What is happening in our world? Who is doing what? what is going on now? These are questions that will be answered. Enjoy.
NBA All-Star Celebrity Game Best Players of All Time
There are a few days out of the year when I feel truly, deeply good about myself. One of those is the second Friday of every February, when I watch the NBA Celebrity All-Star Game.
During the annual matchup—24 celebrities, two teams, going at it the Friday night of the NBA’s All-Star Weekend—I’ve watched many a C-lister put their skinny arms through an oversized jersey and make a drunken-looking mess of themselves on live TV, throwing up janky shots and realizing that Hollywood workouts don’t necessarily translate to real-life athleticism. I’ve seen Justin Bieber get yammed by Scottie Pippen, Nick Cannon go full try-hard in his nine appearances, and Paris Hilton attempt to coach a basketball game. The All-Star Celebrity Game is one of the few times you can see a famous person look as dumb and stupid as you do when you try to run in a straight line. The basketball is messy, the celebrities are obnoxious, but I love it like I love Real Housewives.
That’s why I’m about to do this. I’ve gone through every All-Star Celebrity Game roster in the event’s 17-game history, transcending space and time to put together the only all-star team worth memorializing. I did it with one goal in mind: To assemble the most entertaining 12-person basketball roster (plus two coaches) possible, for better or worse.
I call it the All-Celebrity Celebrity Team. Here we go.
Guard: Justin Bieber (2011)
Peak Bieber-Fever Justin Bieber (bowl cut and “Baby,” not tats and Hailey) won the All-Star Celebrity game MVP in 2011 when he was just 17 years old. Pros: Killer crossover, decent jumpshot. Cons: Ball hog, literally everyone (probably even his own teammates) wants to stuff him.
Guard: Frankie Muniz (2004)
Rounding out the Trash Brothers is Malcolm in the Middle-era (RIP) Frankie Muniz, hot off winning his second Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award. This is more of an entertainment value pick, because if this is 2004 Muniz, then he’s the absolute shit—maybe one of the biggest celebrities in this celebrity game—and I’d watch the hell out of him bricking deep threes.
Forward: Lisa Leslie (2005)
This team needs height and genuine basketball ability. (Historically, celebrity teams have one or two actual basketball players to make sure the game is somewhat watchable.) Count on Leslie—who, in 2005, was the first person to dunk in the WNBA All-Star Game—to anchor that Frankie Smalls-Biebs backcourt. Bonus points if she dons grandma prosthetics to reprise her Uncle Drew character, Betty Lou.
Forward: Win Butler (2016)
Arcade Fire’s Big Win isn’t the flashiest pick, but the world’s tallest sadboy and unlikeliest celebrity game fixture (dude’s played four times!) deserves a spot in the starting five, if only for his sweet headband and solid post game.
Center: Kevin Hart (2015)
I hate to do this. I really do. But if we’re picking the most entertaining team, you need the game’s GOAT of painintheassedness. Dance battles. Fake tantrums. Height gags. Hart plays the game like he’s auditioning for a part in one of his own movies.
Nick Cannon (2013)
Nick Cannon is what it would look like if the All-Star Celebrity Game became a human being. He has played in the game…Nine. Times. This was a close call between 2004 Nick Cannon (two years removed from Drumline), 2016 Nick Cannon (Mariah Carey divorce), and 2007 Nick Cannon (peak Wild ’n Out), but it has to be 2013 Nick Cannon, the year he brought the hit single “Me Sexy” into the world, and collaborated with All-Celebrity Celebrity Team teammate Pitbull.
I cannot find any game film of Pitbull playing basketball. Hell, when I Google, “pitbull playing basketball,” all I get are pictures of pitbulls playing basketball. But pictures say Pitbull played in the 2010 celebrity game. And I just know in my heart that Mr. Worldwide belongs here.
Dr. Oz (2019)
The All-Celebrity Celebrity Team needs a resident trainer/pseudoscience expert. Duties include: Slipping Garcinia Cambogia—the ultimate fat burner!—into the Gatorade, making sure no one uses mouthwash because it causes heart attacks, and tending to Pitbull’s inevitable pulled hammy.
Kevin Hart (2004)
I’m so sorry. But it must be. Again, entertainment value is the ultimate goal—and watching a hungry 24-year-old Kevin Hart battle the jaded, successful 35-year-old Kevin Hart for attention would make for the all-time most hateful hate-watch of a celebrity game.
Bobby Flay (2007)
Any group of Bad News Bearsian misfits needs snacks. This comes down to either Flay or José Andrés, who will play in 2020’s contest. I’ll roll with Flay. When the Iron Chef shows up, it’ll be like a mom bringing ziplocced oranges to soccer practice, only it’s a bottle of riesling paired with a family plate of spicy lobster spaghetti with sicilian olive relish and a handful of anchovy bread crumbs.
Sarah Silverman (2015)
The All-Celebrity Celebrity Team needs two things at this point: 1) Another legitimate basketball player, and 2) Someone who’s legitimately funny, so they can be a sort of Michael Bluth amidst the Gobs and Busters. Silverman checks both of those.
Scottie Pippen (2011)
Pippen isn’t here for his six NBA championships, not for being “Dream Team” elite, not for his Hall of Fame status. It’s for stuffing the living shit out of Justin Bieber in the 2011 Celebrity Game. Some say it was the moment the last shreds of boyish innocence left Justin’s body.
Snoop Dogg (2014)
Snoop might object to this role, but truly great noncompetitive teams need a 12th man to act as bench hang/one-man peanut gallery/booze and weed supplier. 2006 Ice Cube and 2012 Vinny Guadagnino competed for this spot, but Snoop is the easy pick here.
Head Coach: Paris Hilton (2004)
The best coaches are endless wells of Phil Jackson, Zen Master-esque maxims. That’s why Ms. Blue Baller is the right choice to lead this intrepid squad. There’s: “Yes, I’ve kissed a lot of guys. I like to kiss, but that’s it.” Or: “Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.” And, of course: “When Paris has to pee, Paris has to pee!” Bonus points if your gameplay sparks a “That’s Hot™️.”
Assistant Coach: Stephen A. Smith (2020)
*Frankie Muniz pulls up from five feet behind the three-point line, chucks it using every ounce of strength in his body, ball goes sailing over the top of the backboard*
THAT IS BLASPHEMOUS! FRANKIE MUNIZ SHOULD NOT EVEN BE ALLOWED ON THE BASKETBALL COURT THESE DAYS. HOW DARE YOU? JESUS! PARIS, YOU SEE THIS? WE’RE TALKIN ABOUT A CHILD TV STAR! THIS AIN’T THE DAY!