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Donald Trump Jr. Is Selling Cameos for $500. Here Are 51 Better Ways to Spend That Money.
The same week that Donald Trump shut down his blog because no one was reading, his son, Donald Trump Jr, has launched an equally sad and desperate new venture. Don Jr. has joined Cameo, a site in which (mostly) D-list celebrities can send videos to fans for a nominal fee. For Don Jr. it costs $500 for him to send a video ($787 if you want it within 24 hours) or $19.99 to send him a direct message. According to his bio, “A portion of proceeds will be donated to Shadow Warriors Project.” It’s not entirely clear what portion of the proceeds will go to charity, but this comes shortly after Don Jr. complained about having “millions” in legal bills because of the New York attorney general’s probe into the Trump Organization.
The videos are pretty much what you’d imagine. The five examples that Trump has on his page feature him in ill-fitting polos, using an aggressive amount of adjectives, gesturing wildly with his hands. For only five Benjamins, Trump will wish you a happy Memorial Day, or as one patron requested, insult your liberal family member. No, seriously.
In one video, Trump says, “I’m told that you’re turning older than dirt, and I’m not that sorry about that because I’m also told that you’re a serious lib. Fortunately for you, at least you have a family that has the sense to not be a lib and that they’re full of Trump supporters, so that’s pretty awesome. I’ve also heard about some of your fetishes, so you may be as sick as some of the people in the Biden family… I hope your family rides you like Seabiscuit.”
All of this is to say, if you have $500 that’s burning a hole in your pocket and you are adamant on spending it right now, there are other options. So many other options. Below is a non-exhaustive list of better ways to use your money than spending it on a Cameo from Donald Trump Jr.
Buy Girl Scout cookiesThrow it into the air, like you’re Mary Tyler Moore and the money is your hatCover everyone at Applebee’s for a round of DollaritasDonate directly to a charity that doesn’t also give a ‘portion’ to Don Jr.Use it to measure a year, investing a dollar every 1,000 minutesMake an extra student loan paymentLiterally so much weedBuy the entire series of E.R. on iTunes, so you never have to worry where it’s availableSplurge on expensive toilet paperUpgrade yourself to first classBuy this Todd Snyder watch, six times overThrow a gigantic pizza partyGet yourself an iPad!Wish someone a happy Honda Days (this costs nothing but is a better use of your time, which is valuable)Pay off Netflix for two yearsRecreate a dramatic movie cliche by getting in a taxi and breathlessly saying, “Drive.”Find two really sick front row seats at a big concertTake a class, just to further your education Purchase 56 Bloomin’ Onions at Outback SteakhouseSubscribe to an actual decade of EsquireBuy one square foot of land in ScotlandBuy a coffee, then leave the rest for everyone who comes after youGet a Cameo from Gary Busey instead and pocket the other $200Save up $300 more and get a Cameo from a real talent, Gabby DouglasInvest in DogecoinSend Lor the money to help cover DJ’s ear surgeryBuy another round of Dollaritas, because let’s be honest, there are not 525 people in this Applebee’s right nowRent out a theater because you’re still kind of skeptical of enclosed public placesBuy the whole suite of WandaVision Pop Funko figurinesGet a teacher the classroom supplies the government won’t supply themDonate it to the Okra Project, specifically in Don Jr’s nameGive a waiter the most amazing tip of their careerGive a drag queen the most amazing tip of her careerBuy a wig and become a drag queenDo you have an air fryer yet because I bet you’d love an air fryerSend your mom flowers once a month for a yearWorth noting that Carole Baskin is also available on Cameo for $299 and is delightfully unhinged at a fraction of the costLook at all these affordable hats!Purchase the cast of A Quiet Place 2 some of those ugly shape up sneakers so that when they walk, they’re more inclined to roll their feet, making for less noisy stepsTake the money and get it all in pennies. Spread them out and do that thing where Scrooge McDuck just lays in his coins Restock your barBook a flight to a country you’ve never visited beforeGet a table at the nicest restaurant in town. Get a bottle of wine, tooAlternatively, you can get about 400 wings at Buffalo Wild Wings for the same priceThree words: drunk online shoppingDo the low level home repairs you’ve been putting offBankroll an entire Hallmark movieDid you know that a serviceable dishwasher is typically less than 500 dollars? I didn’t!Help a few lucky conservatives replace the Keurigs they smashed a few years back in protestDonate it to a wildlife fund to help curb the damage Don Jr has done by hunting large animals for sport only.Burn it.
Justin Kirkland is a writer for Esquire, where he focuses on entertainment, television, and pop culture.
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